Hi! Hope you are having a pleasant day.
Yes. I have anxiety. I have Social Anxiety. And it feels so good to finally admit this. For a large part of my life, I wasn't even aware that I have anxiety. I always questioned myself - "What is wrong with me? Why can't I be normal just like everybody else? Why does it have to be so difficult for me to talk to anyone or start a conversation or even sit with a group larger than 2 or 3 people? "
I was always known as the shy kid. The silent one. Nobody knew that the shy kid has a problem speaking with people. In a country like India, there is very little awareness about mental issues. It takes really long for the person itself to admit that he has a mental problem and the responses he gets when he tells somebody are really bizarre. Mine was also. But let's get to that later.
I am also an introvert. In the beginning, I was confused if I was extremely introvert or I have Social Anxiety. I wasn't even aware that something called "Social Anxiety" exists. I would always blame my introvert nature when I was not comfortable in large groups.
I recently started working. It was a new place. I had to sit and interact with people I barely knew. Whenever I would start trembling with anxiety, I would blame the air-conditioning thinking that the temperature is making me shiver. I even bought a new sweater especially for this. But, the shivering did not stop even after wearing a thick sweater.
Whenever I had to talk to someone at work, I would prefer an IM to a personal talk even if the person sits a few feet away. Even when I had to IM, my palms would turn sweaty and I would start shivering, and it would take a lot of courage for me to press the enter key after the first "Hi". There were times I used to take hours to gather the courage to press the button. And if the person on the other side does not respond well, it makes me even more anxious.
I even had my palms sweating, shivering and leg twitching when I had to talk to my work friends whom I had minimum to enough interaction before. They are no threat to me and yet I had difficulty talking to them. That was when I realized that there must be something wrong with me.
Then I checked the internet for clues and I was amazed that what I was going through has a name. It is called Social Anxiety. A part of me was relieved knowing that it is not just me and I have many companions throughout the world. There are people with much worse anxiety and they live their life with so much positivity and bravery that it inspires me to a whole new level. It gave me the courage to bounce back to the world saying "I am ready".
When I realized that I have Social Anxiety, I opened up to one of my closest ones that I have Social Anxiety. The response was- "Don't think rubbish. You do not have any such problem. If you think that you have it, you will actually have it. Just forget that you have some problem. It makes you weaker.”
This was not the reaction I was expecting as this person was one of my closest confidantes. I do not blame this person for the response. It is sad that very few people in India care about mental problems. Just like me, many of them wouldn't even be aware that they have some problem. This is all due to ignorance towards mental illnesses. Nobody has ever told them that something like this exists and it is okay to have a problem and it is okay to get help.
Anyone with such problem can tell you how good it makes you feel when you are able to relate to someone.
I know that there may be a time in your life when you wish you never had anxiety. Dream of a different life where you can be different and all of this can be different. But real bravery lies in waking up to your demons and fighting them. Be brave. Don’t forget that you are not alone in this.
Thank you for reading my blabber. This is just me pouring myself out.
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